PART 4.

INT -- A MOVIE SET SOMEWHERE IN MEXICO - JANEANE'S DRESSING TRAILER - MORNING

A cell phone is heard ringing through the bathroom door of Janeane's dressing trailer, then voices respond.

JANEANE
(miserably)
Hello...

The other voice on the phone is Kara, Janeane's agent.

KARA
Hey, kiddo, how ya doing this morning?

JANEANE
Oooh, not so good. My Irritable Bowel
Syndrome is acting up again. Must be
Montezuma's Revenge.
(groaning)
Somebody shoot me, please.

KARA
Oh no, girl, you didn't drink
the water?

JANEANE
(belching)
No, but now that I'm on the wagon,
I couldn't drink tequila with the crew,
either; so I ate all of those
green worms instead.

KARA
My god, why would you do that?

JANEANE
I didn't want to go off my high
protein diet.

There is a loud flushing sound through the door.

KARA
Well, I've got some good news for
you. The Trojans commercial was a
big hit. It's going major market,
and they're even talking a possible
Emmy nomination. After they got done
editing, it was hilarious, especially
when they scored it to the tune of
"Love is a Hurting Thing". That director
is a genius. I should send a gift over to
Connie's office. Uh, what would you
suggest, flowers or cigars?

JANEANE
(gagging)
Probably both.

Through the closed door, water is heard running in sink.

KARA
I think you're right.

The door opens to the bathroom and Janeane emerges, wearing an oversized Radiohead T-shirt and sweat socks. Her skin is pale and her hair mussed. She is holding the cell phone in one hand and cradling bottles of Pepto Bismol and Kao-Pectate in her other arm.

KARA
Congratulations, you're finally on
the uphill path again. So how do you like
this latest gig I got you? Bet you
never thought you'd be doing a Western.

JANEANE
(tossing bottles into trash)
Spaghetti Western. There's a big
difference. What's this director's name
again? I swear I know him from somewhere.

KARA
Sergio Calzone. He's supposed to be a
renowned European filmmaker. He's most
famous for his epic saga "A Fistful of
Linguini", you know, that film where they
have the big foodfight at the O K Corral.

JANEANE
Oh yeah. I've never been able to watch
that all the way through. It always makes
me homesick for Jersey at the holidays.
How does it end?

KARA
With a bang. Luciano Pavarottti has a
cameo where he goes on a binge and eats all
of the bad guys' ammunition. Then he breaks
wind in front of an open pizza oven. That's
what the X rating was for: X-tra cheese.

JANEANE
Thanks for the warning. Well, I better
run. We've got a script conference in
twenty minutes. Hey, when you get the
the commercial money, pay Ben Stiller
what I owe him, okay? And if there's
anything left, Fed-Ex me a twenty-four
pack of Charmin; I think I'm going to
need it ... Oh, what the heck, get
somebody to split one roll off, and tee
pee Joan Rivers' cubicle on Hollywood
Squares. I wouldn't want to forget the
old witch on Halloween.

KARA
(making a catty noise)
Rrrreow. Sounds like somebody's still
holding a grudge. Will do. Talk to you
soon.

Kara hangs up. Janeane lays the phone down. She barely lies down on the couch for a second before there is a knock at the door. A masculine voice with an Irish brogue is heard from the stoop.

VOICE
J'neane, me lass? Are ye decent?

Janeane sits up on the couch at full attention. Her eyes widen in disbelief.

JANEANE
David? David, is that you?

She springs up from the couch, bolts over to the door and opens it to reveal her co-star from "Matchmaker", David O'Hara wearing tank top and sweatpants.

The door is flung open revealing Janeane.

DAVID
I said, are ye decent, woman?
(startled as he appraises
Janeane's sickly appearance)
I'm gonna take that as a no.
Yegads, what have ye done to yeself? Another crash diet?

JANEANE
(patting her hair down)
Oh, no, just a little under the weather.
I had a not-so-hot tamale, if you know
what I mean.

DAVID
(pointing to Janeane's head)
Looks like it even took the color out
of yer hair.

JANEANE
Oh no. I just gave myself a makeover.
So what do you think?

She turns her head back and forth.

DAVID
Jaysus, ye look like a fekkin
gobshite.

JANEANE
(beaming from ear to ear)
Oh, you Irishmen say the most poetic
things. This is a pleasant surprise. How
did you know I was here?

Janeane takes David by the hand, leads him into the trailer and over to the couch, closing the door behind them.

DAVID
Actually, I didn't. When they give me
agent the lowdown, they told him this
would be me dressing trailer. Then I
heard you talkin' inside, so I thought
I better pop in.

JANEANE
You're in this film, too? I thought you
were back in England doing classical
theater again?

They both sit down on the couch facing each other.

DAVID
Aye, I was. And some films. But to tell
ye the truth, I kept seein' ye in all
these independent films ye been makin',
and I got to thinkin' back to "Matchmaker",
and I realized there was somethin' I been
missin' for quite awhile.

Their eyes meet, and they move dangerously close to each other's faces.

JANEANE
(coyly)
And what might that be?

DAVID
A flippin' good tax write off! Bloody
hell, "Matchmaker" barely done a million
gross at the box, and me gettin' talked
into a percentage deal. So with me child
support and alimony problems, I figured
what better way to lower me attachable
income than to do another Janeane
Garofalo film, eh?

The mood is broken and Janeane pulls away.

JANEANE
(sighing cynically)
Glad to be of service. Hey, what are
old friends for?

She gets up, walks over to the counter and produces a cigarette from a drawer. Just as she draws a light from David O'Hara, someone else knocks at the door.

Janeane walks over to the door and opens it to confront a short, middle-aged man wearing a flannel shirt, jeans, an oversized cowboy hat, dark hornrimmed glasses and a pair of pearl-handled revolvers strapped to his midriff. He is carrying a large brown paper bag under one arm.

SERGIO CALZONE
Buon giorno, senora! I'm-a Sergio
Calzone. I'm-a gonna be you director
onna this film.

JANEANE
(relieved)
Oh, thank god. For a minute, I thought
you were one of my dad's friends from
Houston.

Calzone extends a hand in greeting. Janeane knits her brow when she notices band-aids on most of the fingers, but she shakes hands warmly.

JANEANE
Come in, come in.

She ushers Calzone into the trailer and leads him over to the couch.

JANEANE
Please, have a seat. Can I get you
anything?

CALZONE
Whatta you got?

JANEANE
(shaking her head)
Nothing.

CALZONE
Good, then I have some-a that.

JANEANE
(puzzled)
Yeah, sure.

She fumbles through a drawer on the counter and removes a small bottle of nail polish remover. She hands it to Calzone who quickly snaps it up, uncaps it and takes a big swig of the contents.

CALZONE
Ahhh, thatsa smooth!
(wiping chin)
I love-a these little bottles they
give-a you on-na airplane. You drink-a
them and they take away you fear of the
worsta thing mighta happen.

DAVID
You mean like if the bleedin' plane
crashes?

CALZONE
(burping)
No, I mean if you wife catch-a you
in-na rest room with a stewardess.
Mamma mia!

Calzone reaches into his paper bag and pulls out a large legal pad and a package of colored markers, and starts scribbling onto the pad with one of the markers.

CALZONE
Okay, lets-a getta started.

JANEANE
Hey, wait a minute. I thought we
were supposed to be having a script
conference ...

CALZONE
(humming to himself as
he marks on the paper)
Thatsa right. First we needa write
script.

JANEANE
(confused)
You haven't written the script yet?
I thought we were gong to start
shooting after breakfast.
(flashes a glance at David
and crushes out her cigarette)
Um, look, I know this is how I
normally get into trouble, but do
you really think this is adequate
preparation?

Calzone looks up from his work and cocks his glasses down his nose while he evaluates Janeane from head to toe.

CALZONE
You prepared just-a perfect!
(blowing kiss in
Janeane's direction)
First scene I gonna shoot is
Indian massacre. Yeah, they do a
helluva job on you in makeup. How
they getta that hair to look-a like
it already scalped?

Before Janeane can answer, another knock is heard at the door. Janeane stomps over and opens it. A delivery driver hands her a clipboard to sign.

DRIVER
I've got a load of secondhand cameras
and sound equipment from Baja Film Barn.
Is this Paisano Pictures, Inc.?

JANEANE
No, I --

CALZONE
Yeah, yeah, that's-a right. Bring-a
right in. Grazie.

He stands up and motions the driver to bring the delivery into the trailer.

JANEANE
We can't store all of this stuff here.
Don't we need to be going to the
script conference soon?

CALZONE
(tearing open boxes and
checking contents)
We already having conference.
(to driver)
Careful! That's-a rented, you gumba!

JANEANE
Here? In my trailer? No, I don't
think you understand, Mr. Calzone --

Before she can finish, another voice is heard at the door. She turns to see Gary Coleman slipping past the busy delivery driver. Coleman and Calzone spy each other.

GARY COLEMAN
(addressing Calzone)
Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis?

CALZONE
(slapping his shins)
Ha, ha, Ha! Sonnuv-a gun, I never
getta tired that line! C'mon, join-a
the party!

JANEANE
Gary Coleman is in this movie? You wrote
him a part?

CALZONE
(annoyed)
Just-a relax. I gonna get to it soon.
When I find a righta color marker. He
gonna be runaway slave boy who get
adopted by rich white family onna the
wagon train.

COLEMAN
Oh, that's another thing. Try not to
give me too many lines, Sergio. I heard
there might be another recall election
next month for mayor of Oshkosh, and
this time I want to get there BEFORE
Ariana Huffington.

Coleman enters and steps around the piled equipment boxes until he squeezes in at the couch with the other film workers.

JANEANE
(shaking her head)
This is nuts.

COLEMAN
(indignantly)
Hey, I only lost California by three
and a half million votes. That's a lot
better than the returns on "Steal
This Movie."

JANEANE
No, I meant this trailer isn't
big enough for all of this.

COLEMAN
Tell me about it. That's why I
left my dialysis machine outside
in your car.

Calzone signs the invoice for the equipment, and the driver leaves.

Before Janeane can respond to Coleman, yet another knock is heard at the door. Janeane opens the door again, and a pair of midgets dressed in cowboy garb comes trotting in. Janeane stares in disbelief.

She decides not to leave her post at the door. Sure enough, every few seconds, she answers another knock. Each time she opens the door another member of the cast enters - a circus clown, a chimpanzee, and a female bodybuilder, all clad in western attire - and squeeze into the crowded living space of the trailer.

JANEANE
(sarcastically)
I suppose this is your idea of
typecasting?

CALZONE
Sorry, I no learn-a to type.
(holds up marker pen)
This works-a better. I gotta color
for everything.

JANEANE
Oh yeah? Well, I hope you laid in
an extra supply of Crap Brown.

Janeane walks over and snatches pad from Calzone.

JANEANE
This is gibberish. Where are your
stage directions?

CALZONE
(pointing to passages on pad)
Like I tella you. Every color mean-a
different emotion. For instance, you
gotta pink lines here. That mean you
supposed to be dolce: sweet, feminine
when you saya those lines.
(gesturing gently with his hands)
And David says-a this in-na dark grey;
that mean he's-a forte: strong,
masculine.

Calzone pounds his chest with his fists.

DAVID
(peering over Janeane's
shoulder at Calzone's pad)
What the hell am I supposed to do
where ye drew all these long noodles?

CALZONE
(winking confidentially)
Thatsa love scene, in-na the bedroom.
That mean you supposed to be "al dente,"
capische?

Yet another knock is heard at the door. Janeane works her way through the mob to answer it, beating off the midgets with the legal pad as they try to hump her legs.

JANEANE
(sternly)
Get off me, you little perverts.

She holds her hand up to her chin and stares at the midgets angrily.

JANEANE
You've got to be this high to take
this ride -- unless you're Richard Marx,
but that was after an MTV Pool Party.
(reaching for the doorknob)
I swear, whoever this is, they're going
to be sorry.

She opens door and freezes momentarily. Then she shrieks and runs back into the bathroom and slams the door behind her.

JANEANE
(through the door)
Eeeeeeh! Eeeeeh!

P'LOD, a naked, green-skinned, almond-eyed space alien with a smooth, oversized head, enters the trailer and stops at the bathroom door. He seems to speak without moving his lips.

P'LOD
Not bad screaming, but I still
say Drew Barrymore did it better
in "E. T."

CALZONE
Hey, P'lod, nice-a to see you again.
Have a seat. We just a getta started.

JANEANE
(peeking through bathroom door)
Y-you know him?

P'LOD
Hello, earthling female of
indeterminate hairstyle. I am P'lod.

JANEANE
(warily)
Who?

P'LOD
I am an alien life form from a
faraway galaxy. I used to work
exclusively for the Weekly World
News making political predictions,
until I got into that fistfight with
Bill Clinton over Hillary, and they
canned me and replaced me with my
cousin T'rel. Are you not well
informed by your planet's news media?

JANEANE
Uh, somehow I must have missed
reading that while I was cleaning
the birdcage. So, you're saying you
were in love with Hillary?

P'LOD
Hell no, it was purely sexual on
my part. We aliens have an irresistible
attraction to cellulite - backfat,
thunder thighs, jelly belly - hot damn!
In fact, if you would revert to your
old body image, we would be honored
to abduct you as our queen.

JANEANE
(sneaking cautiously out
of the bathroom)
No thanks, I already had that same
offer from Rosie O'Donnell. So how
do you talk without using your mouth,
telepathy?

P'LOD
No, ventriloquism. I used to be
an advisor to Ronald Reagan, so I got
lots of practice. Then I got addicted
to the jellybeans, and my HMO didn't
cover dental.

He opens his mouth and displays yellow, irregular, cavity-ridden teeth.

P'LOD
Yeah, nobody respects a space alien
with Billy Bob choppers.

JANEANE
This is insane,
(to Calzone)
And just what is he supposed to be
doing in this film?

CALZONE
(waving his hands passionately)
He's-a part-a my Granda Finale! In-na
my final scene, I gonna have cowboys
shoot-a the Indians, while space
aliens are zapp-zappa lasers from
above, and circus people are toss-a
the cream pies at everybody.

JANEANE
(flabbergasted)
I can't believe this. Can't any
one else see the problem here?

GARY COLEMAN
(sharing a banana with the chimp)
Yeah, you're supposed to call them
Native Americans, Sergio, or you'll
never get any campaign contributions
from the casino lobby. I learned
that one the hard way.

JANEANE
(searching through equipment box)
Okay, that convinces me. It's got
to be in here somewhere ...

CALZONE
Whatta you look-a for?

JANEANE
A great big butterfly net! Everyone
in this trailer is stark-raving Looney
Tunes. T-t-t-that's all, folks! Last
call. Everybody out. I'm going back to
bed until I wake up and this nightmare
is over.

Everyone stares at Janeane, but no one moves.

JANEANE
(sternly)
What's the matter with you people?
Didn't you hear me? Go back to
your own trailers!

They all respond simultaneously.

EVERYONE
This IS my trailer!

Janeane turns and stares angrily at Calzone.

JANEANE
And just where are the rest of
the trailers?

CALZONE
(sheepishly, as he
tries to shuffle out of
the trailer)
Uh, scusa, I'm a gonna be late for
my prostate exam ...

At this moment the female bodybuilder comes running out of the rear bedroom, carrying the clown in her arms. Both are stripped down to their undergarments and shouting excitedly.

CLOWN AND BODYBUILDER
Aaaaaah!

They run into Janeane, Calzone and the rest of the cast. Everyone is knocked off balance. The lady bodybuilder hugs Calzone tightly.

BODYBUILDER
Oh honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.

DAVID O'HARA
(pulling a midget out from under him)
Ouch, ouch, damnit! I didn't know
they made spurs that small.
(nodding toward lady bodybuilder)
Who the devil is she?

CALZONE
She's-a my wife. Whatta you talk
about, baby?

BODYBUILDER
(crying)
Somebody put a horse head into the
bed, and it's still alive! Please
don't kill me! It wasn't my fault!
(points accusingly at the clown)
He seduced me!

CLOWN
Uh-oh.

He touches the spot where his rubber nose used to be, then reaches down into his shorts and produces it.

CLOWN
Oh yeah, like I was the one who was
in too big a hurry to stop at the
drugstore.

Calzone comprehends the situation and immediately becomes enraged. He pushes his wife away and draws his pistols on the clown.

CALZONE
(irate)
You sonna bitch, I gonna make-a
you like-a Swiss cheese!

The women scream in terror. Just as Calzone is ready to fire the pistols, a pony whinnies and vaults through the bedroom door. The pony kicks the clown with a front hoof and pushes him into the director, causing him to drop his weapons.

Janeane rushes to the frightened pony and embraces it around the neck, soothing and calming it.

JANEANE
Nice horsie, nice horsie.
(stroking the pony's mane
and kissing its muzzle)
It's okay. Mommy's right here.

DAVID
(astonished, to Janeane as
he rubs his buttocks)
Where the bloody hell did ye get him?

JANEANE
He's the horse I ride in the film.
I couldn't just leave him in the
stable. These desert nights are
frigid. What would PETA say?

GARY COLEMAN
You're sleeping with a horse? Man,
and I thought Danny Bonaduce hit
rock bottom with the transvestite.

JANEANE
(hugging the pony)
You don't understand. I've wanted
a pony since I was ten years old and
didn't get one for my birthday party.
I remember I was so disappointed, I
threw a big tantrum. Finally my Aunt
Minerva went down on all fours after
her second six-pack, and my dad threw
a saddle on her, but it just wasn't
the same.

Calzone fumbles for his pistols. At the same time he gropes for his glasses that have been knocked off his face.

CALZONE
Lemme atta the clown! Send in
the clown!

The clown tries to escape through a window but becomes stuck. He kicks furiously with his legs protruding behind a cheap Venetian blind.

CLOWN
If there are any Shriners in the room,
could somebody please give me a push?

Janeane suddenly has a flash of realization. She rushes over to Calzone and tears the hat off his head.

JANEANE
I knew it! Gary the Scalper! Gary
Scalpinelli from Vito's Pizzeria,
back home in Madison, New Jersey. I
knew I recognized you from somewhere!
(grabbing hold of Calzone's
bandaged hand and holding
it up for display)
This mooka was the clumsiest
topping slicer who ever worked in a
pizza shop. He cut himself up so
many times they even had a special
pie called "The Bloody Gary." He's
no movie director! He's as phony as
Bush's prescription drug plan.

CALZONE
(losing his accent)
Hey, who are you to judge me, Ms.
"Queen of the B's"? You rich,
spoiled suburban kids don't know
what it's like to have to bust your
ass twelve hours a day in some
crummy, menial, dead-end job. I
didn't have anybody to pay my way
through some fancy college just so
I could learn a lot of trendy left
wing, pseudo-socialist rhetoric.
I had to do it all myself -- and I
did. I'm now an honest to god movie
director with overextended credit,
a big substance abuse problem, a
breadcrumb trail of bankrupted
investors, and an unfaithful,
superficial, bimbo wife.
(tapping his chest with finger)
I've made it, babe! I'm living
the American dream. Eat your
liberal bleeding heart out!

JANEANE
(dumbfounded)
I have to admit, it's hard to argue
against that kind of logic. Just tell
me, do you have any real work experience
in this business?

CALZONE
Sure, I worked on "Wet Hot American
Summer". I was an assistant script
consultant. David Swain taught me
everything he knows - except for the
refrigerator scene. I figured that
one out myself.

Janeane looks wild-eyed and then lunges for one of the dropped pistols. Calzone ducks for cover. Just as she starts to raise the gun to her own head, David O'Hara and P'lod wrestle it away from her and restrain her, one on each arm.

DAVID
Now, that's never the answer, lass.
Especially when you've only got
a water pistol.

He uses the water pistol to squirt the chimpanzee, who is trying to mount the pony.

DAVID
Get yer stinkin' paws off her,
ye damned dirty ape!

CALZONE
(to Janeane, as he
rises to his knees)
I don't know what you're getting
so worked up about. Sure, the real
critics said "Wet Hot" was a stink
bomb, and it didn't do much at the box
box office, but look what's happening.
now. The thing is so bad it's achieving
counterculture status, like Ed Wood
or George Romero. Now, young kids are
attending second premieres, dressing
up like the characters, spending money
on the turkey all over again. I got
another residual check just last
month, didn't you?

Janeane nods reluctantly.

CALZONE
Yeah, so think about it. How many
pretentious fools bust their chops
making some great, artistically
acclaimed film that draws a lot of
initial box office, wins a few awards
and then fades away into obscurity
forever with what, maybe one or two
reruns on the classic cable channel
per year? By comparison, a flick
like "Wet Hot" is the gift that never
stops giving. Get it through your head
-- art is ephemeral, but CRAP STINKS
FOREVER.

Janeane is pensive for a few moments. Finally, she nods in acceptance of Calzone. David and P'lod relax their hold on her.

She rushes over to Calzone's paper bag and begins tossing out markers enthusiastically.

JANEANE
(impatiently)
Well, what are you all waiting for?
We've got a script to color in!

Epilogue

THREE WEEKS LATER

EXT. TIJUANA, MEXICO - A HIGHWAY APPROACHING THE BORDER - LATE ATERNOON

Janeane is wearing a sombrero and sunglasses and singing along off key to a salsa station on the radio, while she drives a rented convertible into a beautiful mauve and amber desert sunset. Eventually she approaches the border and slows to fall into the line of vehicles waiting to pass through U. S. Customs. After a while, she works her way up to the border crossing station. A Customs agent emerges and approaches her car.

CUSTOMS AGENT
Good afternoon, ma'am. Do you
have anything to declare?

Just as he speaks, the pony pokes its head out of the blanket covering it in the rear seat and lets out a healthy snort.

JANEANE
(sighing and laying her head
on the steering wheel)
Yeah, I declare I should have
listened to my parents and taken
that civil service exam.

END PART 4: TO BE CONTINUED ...